Mirroring is a great way to help the couple feel as though you are both trying hard to listen, understand, and connect. This can be an especially important skill if launching into a conversation that has potential to become difficult and antagonistic very quickly. Usually, couples know what topics or problems will be difficult because they have a long history with arguments or coldness around them. Before we go a bit into this, let's define a few terms I'll be using:
sender: the one expressing the statement to be mirrored. The one speaking.
receiver: the one who is receiving, listening, and mirroring.
As a sender, your job is to say what it is you want the other person to hear. Doesn't have to be eloquent or super clear, just convey what it is you want them to get. This is not a time to correct their behavior or point out injustice, it's a time to let them know how you feel. The receiver uses a simple statement, such as this script:
"If I hear you correctly, you are telling me __________"
As the receiver try to convey back to the sender their message. Your goal is to be a flat mirror. A convex or concave mirror tries to add on or remove interpretations, emotions, and body language. Being flat is merely showing back to the person what they are portraying to you. It is not a time to start your response (or rebuttal!), but to communicate intent to listen and love.
The sender can then make any corrections needed and, if none are needed, expressing a small appreciation to the receiver for mirroring.
It can be helpful at the beginning of using this skill you talk about the roles. Try to clearly state your intent to listen and mirror to the sender, or request a "mirroring" session as the sender. The roles will flip-flop (i.e., you don't want one person always being the sender), and it can be helpful to purposefully start by flipping the typical role-style. For example, if a husband is usually receiving a lot from his wife, try to start early in the conversation having him be the sender. Eventually, this can become more automatic and ingrained in your interactions, and a good way to initiate conversations that will require much effort to stay connected. Here's an example with a fictional couple:
Sender: I really need to talk with you about something and it's something that I'm afraid might get us upset, because we've gotten into arguments around this stuff before. Would it be okay if we try to mirror each other to start? I can be the sender first.
Receiver: Ooooh boy, I'll do my best to be a "flat mirror." Go ahead.
S: I appreciate that. Well, I was hoping we could have painted the bathroom together yesterday. When you went to watch football with your friends I felt alone. (starts to tear up)
R: (making their face/demeanor sadder to match the nonverbal) If I hear your correctly, you are telling me that you felt abandoned.
S: I wouldn't say abandoned, I knew you would come back and I wanted you to have fun with your friends. I guess I felt more lonely and maybe a bit overwhelmed with the work.
R: So you felt all alone with a lot of stuff you were hoping to work on with me.
S: Yeah, that sounds more accurate. I really appreciate you putting in effort to hear me there. What are you thinking/feeling? Maybe I can mirror it back to you?
The conversation continues from a connected place...
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