Going into an argument with your partner do you find yourself preparing for battle? Your thoughts are running scenarios and stockpiling ammunition to fire back at any attempt by your partner (*cough...enemy...cough*) to make you feel bad. Pause for a second and ask yourself: if I win this battle, will it actually be a victory? Here's a simple exercise for you to try during (or, if too heated, after) a hard discussion. Instead of focusing on what your partner is getting wrong ask yourself, "What might be right in what they are saying?"
For example, let's say your partner says something like, "I asked you to give the kid a bath tonight and you watched the game instead. You are such an asshole, you only think about yourself!" That can be very hard to hear and a seemingly natural response is to start picking apart the comment to invalidate it's claims, come back with your own colorful response attacking your partner, or shutting down/leaving/ignoring. All these strategies are essentially you trying to make it less hurtful emotionally. Instead, take a second and search hard for what might be right in that statement.
Truth may be shrouded by hyperbole and your partner's own defensiveness (again, they are also trying to make something hurt less). The above statement might have some truth in the fact that your partner is hurting and angry, possibly feeling abandoned or lonely. It might be true that you forgot or neglected the request given. Shifting the focus from who is right and who is wrong (news flash: you both think the other person is wrong) to addressing what you both agree on can allow the conversation to have movement, rather than getting stuck in a back-and-forth that just gets worse and more hurtful.
Here's some example responses:
Partner: "I asked you to give the kid a bath tonight and you watched the game instead. You are such an asshole, you only think about yourself!"
Defensive response: "I am not an asshole, you are just so needy! You took a two hour nap earlier! The kid isn't even dirty."
"Finding the right" in the response #1: "You're right, I did choose to watch the game instead. I was planning on giving the kid a bath right after. I can tell that it really upset you, can you tell me more about that?"
"Finding the right" in the response #2: "I'm hearing that you might feel alone or abandoned. Is that right? I hate that you feel that way, is it okay if we talk about it more?"
A general helpful guideline is to be curious and stick to what is happening right now.
I like to think of arguments that couples have in the same vein as football players on the sidelines arguing and getting heated towards each other. It is okay and can even be strengthening to the team (i.e., relationship) to communicate frustration and disappointment, but doing so in a way that does not lose sight of the fact that you are both still on the same team and have each other's backs. The situation becomes difficult, but does not become dividing or a threat to the unity of the couple. And always be ready to celebrate the next good play together!!!
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